Why it is Absolutely Ok for a Nice Guy to Expect Sex for Being Nice
I believe it is perfectly reasonable for a nice guy to sex from a woman because he is nice. There are plenty of articles, posts, videos, interviews etc online discussing this issue, and now here is the Militant Nice Guy response
Nice Guys Need Love and Sex Too
“Just because you were nice to me does not mean that I am suppose to have sex with you.”
Nice guys stop me if you’ve heard this before: you meet a woman, she says she’s attracted to nice guys; you ask her out show her a NICE time, and then you make a move and she freaks out.
She will often say some variation of the following:
I don’t see you in that way;
I thought we were just friends;
I see you as a brother; or
I am not interested in you romantically.
Then the nice guy often responds with something along the lines of:
What’s wrong with me, I’m a nice guy?
I thought you liked nice guys; or,
Look at all the nice stuff I did for you.
Then she will often respond with one of the following:
What makes you think I would want to get in a romantic relationship with you?
Just because you are nice does not mean that you should just get sex; or,
You are not really a nice guy if you expect to have sex with me because you a nice.
Usually, by the end of the whole thing, the nice guy ends up questioning himself, trying to figure out where he went wrong. Meanwhile, the woman often ends up with her friends, bashing nice guys, questioning our niceness and our way of thinking.
They normally say things like:
Why do nice guys think like this?
Where do they get this idea from?
What makes him think I should get involved with him romantically just because he is a nice guy?
There are many reasons why many nice guys think this way; I even mention several of these reasons in my book Militant Nice Guy. However, this article is dedicated to one of the rarely discussed reasons why nice guys expect something in return romantically from women they are nice to.
The most common reason why the nice guy expects that the woman he is nice to will be receptive to his romantic advances usually comes from the nice guy listening to the woman he is interacting with.
Here is what the average woman does not know about nice guys: The average nice guy believes that women do not want him because he is nice. Most believe that’s some guys are good with women and some guys are not—and they happen to be the group of guys that aren’t. He’s read all of the articles, heard all of the advice, and even seen it for himself, and as far as he is concerned, women are turned off by nice guys.
So when a nice guy comes across a woman who claims that she is attracted to nice guys and decides to ask her out, or spends time with him on that basis, then as far as he is concerned, he is taking a tremendous risk. It is a risk for him because he believes this will probably end badly for him.
Being a nice guy—it’s kind of like being a smoker. The average smoker knows that the average non-smoking female is not attracted to him and that they are turned off by guys who smoke. The average man who smokes knows part of the price he pays for smoking, is knowing that the average woman will find his smoking disgusting and undesirable—and the average smoker has made his peace with this. The only way most smokers would consider asking out a non-smoking female if she showed interest first.
Now, if a woman were to tell the smoker something along the lines of: I know a lot of women don’t like smokers, but I think guys who smoke are cool. Or, I don’t know about other women, but I find guys who smoke attractive. It would make sense for this guy to go against his better judgment, take a chance, and asks this woman out.
Now let’s take this a step further, if a woman said that she was attracted to a guy who was into comics, or musicians, or a poet, and they asked her out based on this attraction, then it will be reasonable to assume that the comic book guy is going to take her out and read comics; the poet is going to talk about poetry or write a poem; or the musician is going to sing or write a song about her. And after they have done their respective things, it would be reasonable for the guy to expect some type of romantic reciprocity as a result based on what she put out there as her attraction.
If a woman says she is attracted to a certain type of person, and if they are interacting based on her stated attraction, then more than likely, the guy is going to make his move if he is attracted to her as well. And if after he makes his move, the woman were to say: “Wait one second, just because we smoked cigarettes, read comic books, or read poetry, or sung songs, that doesn’t mean that you have the right to make any moves or expect anything romantic. Where did you get this idea from?” He would be well within his rights to state that he got the idea from the woman.
Many women will even go so far as turn the nice guy’s niceness against him, this usually comes in the form of accusing the nice guy of not being genuine. They will often say, something along the lines of: “You are not sincere in your interest, you are only smoking, reading comics/poetry, singing in front of me because you think I like it and you are using that to get me. You are being deceitful, and you are acting like a jerk.”
The issue is that we mistakenly believe that when a woman says that she is attracted to nice guys, that means that she wants to be involved with the nice guy in some type of way romantically, or at least she would be open to the possibility. Why? Because we are nice. The same way when we hear a woman say that she is drawn to jerks, or that she is attracted to bad boys, we assume that she wants to be romantically involved with them, or at least she is open to the idea.
Now usually I don’t like to address what women have to say about nice guys, because I like to focus on nice guys exclusively. With that being said, the reason why I am addressing this issue with article is because this affects how a nice guy may think or feel about himself.
Nice guys, I want you first to understand that I know what you’re trying to do when you’re taking a woman out and showing her a NICE time. Your intention in being nice is to express your attraction to her, and to show her that you are accepting her supposed attraction to you.
When women accuse nice guys of being dishonest, and manipulative, it makes them feel ashamed for going after what they want, and it makes them feel bad for wanting something romantic from a woman based on his niceness. Often, they will feel as if they did something wrong or that they were wrong for going after what they want.
You have a right as a nice guy to expect something romantic from a woman the same way that smoker, comic book fan, musician, and poet can expect something romantic. That is if you initiated your involvement with her based off of her interest in you initially.
Don’t ever question your desire, just become more efficient and effective at expressing it. That’s why you need to go to theniceguynation.com and buy the book Militant Nice Guy. The average nice guy is not being nice to get something, he is being nice because that is who he is and he wants something.
If a woman were to say to the average nice guy: “Just because you are nice does not mean that I am obligated to get involved with you romantically,” most of the nice guys who hear that would panic, because they are insecure about their desire. However, if you were secure about your desire toward this woman, then your potential response would be easier.
You would probably say some variation of, “You are entitled to your feelings, but I am doing the best I can here. I made a move because I thought that you were interested in me because I’m nice. I would appreciate it if you treated my desire towards you the same way you would want someone to treat yours, with respect. Especially if you see yourself receiving and returning that guy’s initial interest.” You might continue: “You would want the right to express your attraction or desire without that guy trying to make you feel bad or guilty about it, or holding it against you, that’s what I would want and expect from you. You don’t have to have get involved with me, but I would appreciate you not trying to make me feel bad for being attracted to you. I am trying to like you with respect, like a nice guy.”
No matter how you decide to proceed: continue to pursue her romantically; go into the friend zone with her; continue to get to know her; or to never talk to her again, just remember you have every right to feel how you feel.
The mistake that most nice guys make is that they see themselves through a woman’s eyes and they let her questions about them and their desires to cause them to question themselves. When you learn to judge yourself by your own nice guy standard, and not by a woman, you will be in a much better position.
Some articles that inspired my article:
http://www.girlschase.com/content/12-traits-all-boring-unsexy-nice-guys-have-common (number 2 in particular)
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml (Even though this article is old and the site is basiclly dead, it still comes up at the top of the search engines. That is why i wanted to address it)
Just because I have listed these articles, doesn’t necessarily mean that I agree with them. I just listed them for reference, nothing more.